Global heartthrob Beyonce had once mused, “If you are getting married, do remember that the best thing about marriage is the amount of growth you have in it… because you can no longer hide from your fears and insecurities. There’s somebody right there calling you out on your flaws and building you up when you need the support.”
…That’s true. Marriage is not just the union of bodies and souls, there’s much more to it than what meets the eye. The very gorgeous Deepika Padukone who recently celebrated one year of “fabulous” marriage, gushes, “Before I got married, I spoke to Ranveer about every little thing… we spoke about how marriage is all about sharing and caring. And we realised that we were on the same page and today, I’m enjoying sharing love, space, bills and everything with Ranveer.”
Here are 10 simple pointers for newly-weds to prepare for life as a married couple...
Mumbai-based marriage counsellor Dr Anita Sahai says, “In India, most metros have counselling sessions for would-be newly-weds these days. They could be from a day session to even a week long workshop. These sessions give couples the pros and cons of marriage and how to enter a marriage with the correct attitude. It breaks down the fundamentals of marriage clearly for the couple so that they know what they are getting into.”
Heart to heart
“Have an honest discussion on how your family has honed your values, beliefs and thinking. Talk frankly about how you will handle his family and how he will handle yours. Set the bottom line of mutual respect. Most quarrels within a marriage are fuelled by some ‘well-meaning’ family member. The trick is not to react even if you can’t stand his kin and he can’t see eye to eye with yours. Just be respectful and maintain your dignity,” points out Dr Sahai.
“Talk to each other before the wedding. Get to know each other as much as possible. Tell each other about the likes, dislikes, childhood memories, quirks, fears, insecurities, past. It’s okay, everybody has a past so it’s no big deal to tell your going-to-be about it. It’s best to talk about the warts of the past before it barges into your present,” she recommends.
Talk to a ‘mentor’ couple
A great way to learn about marriage is to talk to a much marred couple. Newly-wed Natasha Sanghvi recalls, “My husband and I were squabbling like kids on our honeymoon itself. We were taking time to adjust with each other. I remember we were in Madrid sitting at a café and screaming at each other, and then we caught sight of an old Spanish couple staring at us. The lady sat me down and then told me that her husband and she had been married for 50 years. And according to her, the two more important things in a marriage are:
a) Make sure your argument doesn’t last for more than 20 minutes. After that, say sorry.
b) End the day with a kiss.” Though simplistic, they adhered to the rules, and found it works!
Marriage is not always a bed of roses, you do have the occasional thorn in between. So if you are getting married soon, be clear about how you plan to snip out all those little prickly woes. The solution here is to be committed at all times.
Work on your marriage
Like everything else, marriage too needs to be worked on. You need to adjust and at times, compromise but do that sincerely for the benefit of your marriage.
Dr Sahai says, “Earlier couples used to have joint bank accounts but these days, it has become a fad within couples to have personal accounts. That’s not a problem. But just make sure that everything is shared very clearly in terms of financial expenses. So if you and your husband have clear demarcations on the bills you are paying individually, it will be smooth sailing.”
You have to talk about kids before the wedding itself. Do you want kids or not, do you want them soon or would you rather wait. Discuss this candidly so that there is no confusion later on.
Dr Sahai further states, “You and your husband may be poles apart in terms of your nature. You may enjoy socialising but he on the other hand, is a couch potato. Fine. So talk about a mid-ground and set it so that you don’t quarrel later about his non-involvement or he feels you give him no space. Do remember even if you are entering into a marriage, you are not joined at the hip with each other. Give each other enough space.”
Don’t try to change the other
In the words of India’s most fashionable global ambassador, Priyanka Chopra: “Marriage is tough but it’s completely workable. I’m glad I’m married to someone who understands my ambition and drive. It’s the thing Nick fell in love with me for, that’s what he says! So he doesn’t try to change me nor do I try to do the same to him. And I guess that’s why our partnership works.”