Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer aka RainbowMan’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
“We Love Each Other But He Doesn’t Want to Marry Me”
I have been in a relationship with my guy for 10 years, had quite a lot of ups and downs, but we still hung on to each other like fish and water. Now the problem is despite been in love with me, he does not want to marry. I am going through a really bad mental set back and I am certain that I suffer from clinical depression. I am unable to understand how to deal with it. I really want to marry him as I spent a major part of my life with him and don't want to separate.
He isn't financially stable at the moment and is more concerned about earning for his family. I have been supporting him in all bad times and good as well. He shares every single detail of his life with me and cares for me, but does not want to marry. I personally cannot live without him and I want to get married to him.
What do I do in this situation?
Serious lover, India
Dear Serious Lover,
Firstly, let me acknowledge that to find so much love and to invest in a person, is a noble deed in itself. Love is not something that should be simple and mediocre. It is something that should be crazy enough to shake the mightiest mountains to deliver compassion and love.
There is nothing wrong in loving someone so very deeply. However, it is also equally important to ensure that you keep a clear idea about your expectation from this relationship. Don’t compromise on your core expectation. If marriage is your expectation, you should put it out there clearly and leave no scope for any ambiguity. I understand that this is a time you would want to hear from me that things will be fine, and he will accept the marriage proposal and things like that. That is also a possibility. But it is only one of the many possibilities.
If I were you, I would have had one final discussion with him. I would have ensured that I keep this discussions like a formal appraisal meeting with your boss during the year end. I would keep emotions aside, so that I could be sure that his decisions are not a mere reactions to my high voltage expressions, but because he genuinely believes so. And then, I would have accepted everything that is the outcome with all my heart.
Maybe you need to step back for a while and look at the relationship with another lens. Not the lens of love, but the lens of practicality. Maybe, then you may find some solution. For that, you need some time off him. Move on a solo trip somewhere out of the city. It will do you a lot of good, maybe.
Most importantly, don’t self diagnose your mental challenges as ‘depression’, please see a psychiatrist. I am not a mental health practitioner. All that I tell you here is only a sort of peer to peer, friend-to-friend like of listening.
It will do you good.
P.S.- Self love should be the strongest, loudest love-affair you should have.
“My Boyfriend Wants Me to Use a Dildo on Him”
I am a 28 year old woman from central India. I have never mustered up the courage to speak about this before. I am doing now only after reading all your uplifting posts. I had written once before, but you didn’t respond. I hope you will give me a response now. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years. My boyfriend is a loving man and everything he does for me and the way he loves me, is nothing short of a Bollywood film. However the challenge is that he has made some very strange demands during sex this time. I have a dildo with me, that I had not even removed from the packaging. We were having sex a couple of years back, when he remembered about the dildo and asked me to get it. I thought he wanted to use it on me and pleasure me as it was a vibrating one. He however shocked me completely by putting the dildo inside his bum. He acted completely stimulated and gave me the orgasmic look, as if he was pleasured. Finally, he also came while I was doing this dildo thing on him, leaving me shell shocked. This happens every time now after that first time. Is my boyfriend gay? Is he bisexual? Is he kinky? What is he? He and I have a great relationship. And I accept him the way he is. I am also willing to walk off if he is gay and be his best friend ever. But is he? I don’t think he is? But sometimes I think he is. Is he? Oh god! I am so freaking confused. Please help me RainbowMan!!!
Akhila, Central India
Thanks for sharing this with me yaar. First, let me acknowledge that you are an extremely brave person to say that you can also be your boyfriend’s friend if you discover that he is gay. I just wish that this kind of maturity and acceptance and true love was there in everyone.
However, there is only one person on planet earth who can tell what your boyfriend’s sexuality is – he himself. So don’t beat around the bush and ask him politely, casually, lovingly yet sternly.
Regarding his dildo fixation… there are many straight men also who like anal pleasures like rimming or even having something penetrated there. It doesn’t always mean that the person is gay or bisexual. He is gay or bisexual only if he says that he is gay or bisexual.
Ask him. Don’t overthink. He is the best judge.
“Does the Size of a Penis Matter?”
I am a gay man of 24 years. I will ask you a straight question – does a bigger penis size matter for pleasure? Do answer me. Please.
To the best of my knowledge, it doesn’t. You can be pleasured by a smaller penis but a larger portion of love. Even in anal sex, I don’t see the size of the penis play a major role as much as the technique, the emotion and everything else in the khichdi of lovemaking does. Penis sizes are overrated. However, I should say, to each their own.