Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer aka RainbowMan’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
“I Still Love My Boyfriend Who Is Fathering a Child With Another Woman”
Dear Rainbow Man,
I got into a relationship with my best friend. We were together for only a year and continued for four years in long-distance relationship. I know that trust is the only factor that holds a long-distance relationship. We both trusted each other. We were madly, deeply in love and planning for our future to be together. Until the last five months, when he started ignoring me completely. I tried talking to him several times but he wasn't ready to open up. After so many years, we are finally in the same city. He has been helping me adjust in the new city, just like a good friend would do. But a few days ago, he told me that his reason for ignoring me was that he slept with someone else while he was drunk. And that has got her pregnant. He has been in depression ever since and wanted to keep me away from trouble. He has decided to help the other woman in medical needs or even marry her if she wants.
As much as I am angry for him breaking my trust for all these years and betraying me, I do understand that it was a mistake that he made. I also understand his mental pressure because he was in love with me too. Owning up to his mistakes, telling me all of the truth and standing up for another woman is not easy, and so, even though I was shattered, I forgave him the very next day. It made me feel better.
Now, we talk to each other every day. I am still in love with this person. He takes good care of me. He makes sure I eat well, stay safe in the new city. We meet almost every day and talk like friends. The other woman will deliver next month. I don't know what I should do in this situation. Forgetting him his hard, he has been a part of my life for eight years now. Can we still be together in the future? Should I still talk to him like friends? Do I have to forget him? Will I ever fall in love again?
Dear Confused Lover,
You are a very very kind person. It is human nature to get angry at the spur of the moment and break every possible tie with the person. I am pleasantly surprised and elated that you are so mature and that you grant you move out of the relationship when you discover that there are other priorities that you would have never imagined in his life- like parenting a child. I understand your hurt, but I equally applaud your love for the person and the forgiving nature that you embody.
It is not for any third person to advise you to leave him or to forget him. However, you need to do an evaluation on where you stand in this relationship. Is he wanting to come back? Has he indicated anything to that effect? Is he clear that he is going to marry the woman, whose child he is fathering? If he is clear about what his relationship goals are with the other woman, it is best to digest the fact that he is not with you, and pack your backs from this relationship. I know people would advise you to completely cut off and not speak to him at all and really really forget about him. I am going to tell you just the opposite, because I know that when you think of forgetting him, you are still remembering him.
Give yourself some time and space. Don't run away from the mental challenges you are facing, instead face them strongly. I am sure you have a confidante. Speak to your him/her about it. Tell the confidante everything that you feel. Also, writing it out can be therapeutic. Bring out all your feelings in words - either spoken or written. The mere act of getting what you have inside your mind in physical form, as sound waves or written paper, would give you a feeling of overcoming your challenges and that is a very uplifting feeling in the long run.
Don't leave your partner. ‘Leaving’, ‘quitting’ may all seem very difficult words to digest at the moment. Just let him be. Learn to appreciate him from a distance, as much as start appreciating the distance.
Remember, sometimes leaving is loving too.
And love, you have immense love in you to give. You are forgiving and loving. You will find your little love story blossoming when you open your minds and arms to receive. But you need to close a chapter to open a new one. For who else than you would know that sailing in two boats wrecks one boat for sure.
“ She Has Shifted to Another City and Doesn’t Have Time for Me Anymore.”
I have a girlfriend and we are in a long distance relationship. We live in two different cities. We have been together for three years now. But things are now getting worse. In the beginning everything was pitch perfect. We used to have those late night chats and those mandatory phone calls and those lame jokes . Tons of pictures, we used to share. I still am stuck to those video chats, in which we just used to stare at each other. But now everything is fading. She doesn't have time for me anymore. She is always so busy and when I ask her, she gives me lame excuses. It's been ages since we last talked over the phone. And when I ask her if she’s avoiding me, she says that she loves me more than anything and that she is certainly going to marry me. I don't know what is going on. It's killing me. I don't know what to do.
Worried Lover, Jammu
Dear Worried Lover,
I understand how difficult it gets when you have your equal half in another city. The only relation, I had been in, was a long distance one. So what I am going to share with you is coming from a very very personal space. I understand the lonely nights and the days where we look endlessly at our phones waiting for the signal from the closest mobile tower. I know how we spend most of our days thinking what our other half must be doing, and actually having an out of body experience of what they must be feeling at the moment. I understand that this could be both - exhilarating and excruciating. The distance, some call it a moan of an orgasm, some call it a squeal of pain. Either ways, one thing is true in most cases that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Sometimes, it is not important that one speaks to their beloved everytime they call. A change in geographies gets its own unique challenges. I am sure you understand that one would spend a lot of time in just acclimatising themselves to a new place and making themselves comfortable with their new friends, the new air, the new food and new colleagues. This is a test of your patience, I know. But as people who immensely love their partner, we sometimes need to give them some time to themselves. Give your partner that space. Reduce your frequency of calls. Instead of calling her when you want to, ask her when would she want to be called. Agree on a certain time of the day. If she is busy at that time on any particular day, allow her to excuse herself.
Also, I know you have an immense amount of love to give. But give it slowly, not all at once. It will exhaust you and she will get familiar too fast. And it is also normal that she gets familiar with you over time and it will certainly not remain the fairy tale romance that you started on.
Give her time to form her wings in the new place. Give her the pleasure of missing you. Time heals. People change. Possessiveness in moderation, is good to have, but don’t push it too far, that she feels suffocated.
Wish you good luck. Kisses and love to both of you.
“Is Wearing a Condom Necessary? Me and My Partner Are Both Not Positive”
My partner and I have been in a relationship for the past four years. Our relationship is largely a committed one, with rare occasional flings. The flings happen only when either of us is in another city. We ensure that we have condomised safe sex when we are in those sex flings. Since we are always safe, we have non-condomised sex when we both are doing it. Is this unsafe? I dont like any barriers in the relationship. Condom being one. If you get what I mean? Please advice.
UnCapped Man, Mumbai
Dear UnCapped Man,
Thanks for sharing this part of your intimate life with me. Condoms don’t only protect you from HIV, they protect you from a variety of other sexually transmitted diseases. It is always advisable that you have it on even when you are in a relationship that you consider “safe”. I would still suggest that your partner and you regularly get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). There are many STIs that also spread due to oral sex including rimming. So please get tested regularly. Also, I would advise you to put a condom on whenever you do anything more than mere body foreplay. However, you should discuss with my friend Shruta from the Humsafar Trust, if you need any further information. You will get the contact details and other information from www.humsafar.org. They are open five days a week and are a brilliant organisation.
I know pleasure is important. But it sometimes is overrated also. And boy, better safe than sorry, na?
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