Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer aka RainbowMan’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
“My Husband Is a Pervert”
Let me get straight to the point. My husband is a pervert. He was one before our marriage, he was having sex with someone when I delivered my first child, he continues to have sex chats till late in the night with random women. I am fed up. I am frustrated. I am in severe depression. I am mentally and physically tortured.
Thank you for sharing such a difficult part of your life. I understand how embarrassing it would be for you to run your fingers on your keypad while you wrote this mail to me. I understand the frustration and anger you are seething with because of your philandering husband.
I am sure you must have confronted him? If you haven’t, you should. Maybe, he needs counselling, but honestly by the way you are describing his actions he doesn’t seem the kind who will come with you to a counsellor.
Let me ask you one thing – why are you still with this guy? if I were you, I would have packed my bags and left the moment I discovered that this was his trait despite committing to a monogamous marriage. What stops you from leaving him? Are you dependent on him? Maybe you should work at getting independent then. Is the “log kyaa kahenge” thing bothering you, well, people are not saying good things at the moment anyway. Do you love him at all? If you don’t, you should leave. One doesn’t need to stay put in a bad marriage just to keep the institution of marriage alive and “normal” as the world defines it. It is not the duty or the job of a spouse to put up with bullshit all the time. Hope all the sex is consensual, he stands a chance of landing in a legal mess if any of the women claim that it is otherwise.
Speak up and stick on only if you think it is worth it. Else, move out.
The world is your canvas. Paint your own world.
“We Hardly Have Any Physical Intimacy Now”
I am a 32-year-old woman in a live in relationship. My partner and I used to live in two different cities. I am blissfully employed and equally focussed on my love life. My partner is also very passionate about his work. We shared a great physical and sexual bond in the beginning. However, I see that changing now. It is 2 years to our relationship and I see us drifting apart little by little. We hardly have any physical intimacy now. I have had a word with him about this. He told me that he is just tired due to work pressure and his family issues. I understood his challenges and expected that things would change after a while, but I was wrong. Things have gotten worse now. We have regular arguments. I suggested that he visits the gym to rejuvenate himself, but that extra time he spends at the gym has become another excuse for him being occupied. We have regular fights over trivial issues now. When things heat up over a point he tells me “maybe you should not suffer (with me)”,
I am truly fed up. I am losing hope that things will not change. I am aware that he is upset that it is bothering me but how does being upset help.
Do you see a solution to this challenge I am facing ? I welcome your advice.
Lonely Together, Chennai
Dear Lonely Together,
Thank you for baring your heart to me. It is really upsetting when someone you love doesn’t respond the way you expect them to. Firstly, it is so very nice that you understand your partner this well. You have taken the first step of speaking to him about the elephant in the room – lack of intimacy. The fact that he is aware of your (realistic, not unrealistic) expectations from him, actually puts the onus on both of you to rethink the way this relationship is heading. It is good to share the burden of challenges that every relationship would face than shouldering it all by yourself silently.
How do you have these conversations with him? Do you do it while you are intimate or do you have these conversations randomly at the coffee table full of emotions. The way and place you have these conversations about lack of intimacy in the relationship makes a lot of difference. If you haven’t, it would be nice to sit next to him at a distance on a holiday and ask him sans any high voltage emotions “what can we do to make this better”. Keep the conversations very business-like and free of any complaints but only concerns for the betterment of the relationship for both of you. Maybe then, he might open up.
Also, have you considered going on a vacation – either with him or by yourself? Maybe you should. Sometimes going away from the space of conflict may bring a whole new perspective to the relationship. Anyways, things aren’t getting better staying in the house right? So catch a flight and go for a small vacation with him. And if he doesn’t come, you go by yourself. It will give you the freedom and space to think independently.
And always remember, things will always get better when you are mentally prepared for the worst, yet choose to believe in the beauty of your dreams of a beautiful life as you imagine it to be.
“Boyfriend’s Sperm Fell On Jeans, Am I Pregnant?”
I have a boyfriend for the past 2 years. I am 22 now. We took two years to graduate from firstbase to final sex. We have always used condoms to prevent pregnancy and also to add more pleasure to our lives. However, I have been missing my periods. A couple of months back my boyfriend slipped out his condom after it was filled with his sperm. While taking it out a little sperm spilled on the zip of my jeans when I was wearing it. I think this has gotten me pregnant. I am not ready for pregnancy right now. I am really scared.
Babe In Distress
The natural life of a sperm is pretty short. It dries up and dies pretty soon on exposure to air. I don’t think that the sperm would have made you pregnant. But was the condom torn sometime during the intercourse? However, I am not a medical doctor. I suggest that you visit a good gynaecologist to check about your missing periods. It could be for varied reasons beyond pregnancy. Please get yourself checked.
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
Join The Quint on WhatsApp. Type “JOIN” and send to 9910181818.