Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer aka RainbowMan’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
My Husband Has Sex With My Sister
I am a 30 year old well employed woman. I got married a couple of years ago and have a happy married life. My husband is a nice guy and is very kind to everybody around him. We are open minded. Before my marriage, I had a few affairs, I confessed them all to him. He also had a few sexual encounters. But now, we are in a committed relationship, and we had decided that we will not see anyone else. Our relationship is based on trust and honesty. However, his honesty was too much for me to digest recently, when he decided to tell me about his sexual encounters. He has had sex with two women, while he was in a “committed” relationship with me. Not only that, one of the two people he has had sex with is my 20-year-old sister. What disgusts me is that he used to tell me that we don’t need to plan a child as my sister is like his daughter. However, I am also happy that he is honest and didn’t keep me in the dark for long. I am confused. What should I make out of the incidences in my life?
I am so happy that you and your husband had an open conversation about your relationships and also your sexual relationships. Truly, a relationship of trust and honesty, as you put it, is difficult to find. I agree to all of that. But you have asked me for advice. And I have to be brutally frank with you. When people get into relationships they decide the boundaries of the relationship for themselves. You both decided that you will have a committed relationship and not an open relationship. So, your husband broke the pact. He cheated on you. He did confess that he cheated. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that he cheated on you. And that too with someone he called his daughter – your sister. I think it should be unacceptable. There is nothing truthful when people don’t respect the boundaries that people together have drawn to protect their relationship.
But don’t take me seriously. Just take yourself seriously. Make your decisions yourself. I would suggest that you bring this up with your husband in a proper conversation. But even before that. Give yourself time off him. Take a small trip to somewhere far away, so that the distance can actually help you look at your own life objectively. Maybe then, when you come back, you will be able to look at your relationship with a new pair of eyes.
Sometimes, you need to go far to come close to yourself.
I Want My Husband to Pee On Me
I am a constant reader of your blogs and love your non-judgemental posts. That’s something that gives me the courage to discuss with you – my deepest and most shadiest fantasies. My fantasy is that I want my husband to pee on me. I have seen it in porn films and have always longed for it. However, I find it very awkward to ask him. We have done everything, right from oral sex to even tasting sperm, but I feel awkward asking for this. How do I ?
Thanks for visiting this space and reading my posts. There is no question of being judgemental because we all have fantasies that are dear to us, which are weird to others. The bottom line is that no other person, but the people involved in the act themselves, can decide what is good for them.
Your fantasy is called Golden Showers or Watersports. I hope he also doesn’t mind peeing on someone he loves. If you are sure, he wouldn’t mind… I would say the best way to bring up the issue is to go straight on and tell him. Maybe, you could try telling him at “that moment”, maybe when you are in the shower or something like that, so that he doesn’t get too grossed out of the idea.
Best of luck.
Have I Turned Homosexual Because My Gay Friend Touched Me?
I am very open about supporting gay people and all that. But on Valentine’s day, my gay friend accidentally touched me on my butt when we were travelling by train to college. I got an erection then and have been thinking about him ever since. Has his touch made me gay?
You can be gay only when you say that you are gay. No second person can come and tell you about your sexuality. I definitely can’t. To get an erection when someone touches you is a natural thing. Gay people’s hands are not magic wands that turn everyone they touch gay. So relax, you have not turned gay because he touched you accidentally. So, don’t worry and definitely do not take this as something against your friend.
Give yourself time. In time, you will be able to confirm to a certain sexuality, or be okay with the fact that you do not wish to confirm to one. And yes, homosexuality doesn’t spread. Love does. Friendship definitely does.