Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
I Am a Homosexual From a Small Town. I Feel Suicidal.
My name is Ashok and I live in a small town near Karnataka. I am 23 now. All my childhood I was highly effeminate and was bullied in school. Also, because my voice is effeminate, I was terribly bullied. I attempted suicide a couple of times in school but unfortunately failed. I should have died then. I wouldn’t have to deal with this horrible curse of my sexuality if I were dead. I feel if I was not effeminate I wouldn’t have been gay. My mother always told me that I should join the gym and play cricket to become more manly. I didn’t listen to her. Now I am gay. I am fed up. I want to die.
I can empathise with you. I can understand where you are coming from and the challenges you are facing. I was effeminate too. I was bullied for being effeminate too. But see, I am living. I am thriving. I am in fact advising others with similar challenges. I am writing this, not to tell you how great my life is, but to let you know that sometimes our biggest strengths emerge when we are experiencing our worst falls. You have fallen from fate, you will rise to new hope. Just keep the faith.
People didn’t bully you because you were effeminate. People bullied you because they were insecure that you were different and because they feel vulnerable around you. They think someone different could steal their thunder.
The bullies have not won over you, the fact that they bullied you, is the living example of their timidity. They need pity, not hate. So have a big heart and pity them whole-heartedly.
Also, it is not that everyone who is effeminate is gay. I know many who are straight too. But when you see gay people who embrace their sexuality, they also are in greater capacity to embrace their femininity. So, embrace your femininity. You don’t have to look straight, you just have to have the courage to look straight into people’s eyes with extreme pride about whoever you identify as.
You are not cursed because you are gay. Being gay can be awesome. Just as being straight can be awesome. Or being in this world is awesome.
Maybe, you need to rethink your thoughts. Maybe, you need a new pair of glasses to see the world. The glasses of optimism and hope. Maybe you need a new set of best friends to chat with, some friends who belong to the LGBTIQ community, are out and proud. Maybe, then you will know, that being gay is not a curse or boon. Being gay is just being gay. :)
Remember, my love, you are not the consequence of your past. You are the essence of your present. So rise up.
As for suicide, postpone it to a further date. A date like 11th of March, 2117. Live a little today, for yourself, for me, and for everybody. Don’t leave without giving us the pleasure of knowing you. You need to be here for another 100 years.
Just keep swimming. Just keep hoping against hope till hope comes true.
I will connect you to friends in Bangalore and Mumbai and also add you to private LGBTIQ groups on Facebook. Do drop me your details. I will send you a friend request. Will you be my friend?
P.S. Live Life, Queen Size!
My Tummy Growls During Sex
I have a peculiar problem that I seek your help for. Whenever I have sex, my stomach makes a weird noise. I don’t think I have a gas problem. I wanted to check with you what this means.
Tummy growling is a normal phenomenon during sex. Sometimes I guess it comes from a deep orgasmic moan that is a voice echoed from the belly. Also during heterosexual sex, the penis in the vagina may leave a little portion for air being trapped in vagina by the penis... and thrusts may make some unusual noise.
Sometimes it is just physics and not so much physiology.
If you still think it is something physiological, see a doctor and get a complete body check up done.
Also, I think it is a good exercise to clean your tummy off any bowels before having sex. If not anything else, it just makes the sex more pleasurable minus any distractions.
P.S. Have a musical relationship.
My Girlfriend's Vagina Is Very Dark
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend since the last three years. She and I enjoy a lot of sex. However, her vagina has been turning dark and black and I don’t think she cares about it. It’s something that bothers me though. I feel dirty entering her. What can I do to make her vagina white?
You are neither required to be a cave man nor do you need to be a miner. You just have to embark on your pursuit of pleasure with her as long as she is willing to do the same with you. Don’t bother much about her black vagina.
The only person who should be bothered about their vaginas should be the person to whom it belongs. Don’t trouble your penis so much. OOPS. I mean brain.
Yes, there are vaginal whitening gels, but who the whole idea of albino vaginas is sickening. Learn to respect women for who they are.
Remember, wombs that can push life ahead can engulf the mighty patriarchy too.
She is more than her body part. Or the colour of it. So my kind advice to you in the kindest of words possible - don’t be a racist dick… or soon the Batman will be homeless without his cave.
P.S. I could only get this creepy with my words. Sorry.
(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)