Sexolve 45: “I’m Scared of Being Gay. Can I Migrate to Canada?”

I Am Scared of Being Gay in India. How Can I Migrate to Canada?

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 23-year-old boy from Kolhapur. I am very certain about my sexuality. I am gay. However, I am very scared to reveal about this to anybody. My parents will not understand. I know I can’t live like this (in fear) all my life. I want to change. I want to enjoy life like everyone else. I just have two options. I have to either migrate to Canada or bow down to social pressures and convert myself to being straight. What do I do?


A couple walks hand in hand from the count centre in Dublin as Ireland holds a referendum on gay marriage. (Photo: Reuters)

Dear Suraj,

Rise up like the rising sun. You don’t need to bow down to anyone.

Listen Sunshine. I understand how it is to be the odd man out. I know how it feels to be different from the crowd. I also know that living with the fear of stigma and social ridicule is tough. But sometimes, when we have immense confidence in what we are. And when we are so. It makes all the difference.

I suggest you first stand up on your two feet. Find yourself a job. Start living independently. If possible, move in to a bigger city. Don’t bother about coming out to your parents at the moment, if you think they would not understand. Understand them. They may need some handholding and some time. Give them the time. You have come out to yourself. And that’s the most important.

Move out and be independent. You don’t need to move to Canada. I know Justin Trudeau is cute. Spare him for me. There is homophobia in every part of the world. And there are good people too.

Come to Bombay, maybe. Settle here. Meet the community. We have several events organised by groups like Yaariyan and Gay Bombay. Partake in them. Build a family of your choice. Give us a chance and the pleasure to know you. I am sure, we will love you.

And no, you can’t convert yourself to being straight, but yes, you can convert yourself to becoming more and more awesome.

Keep the faith.

We love you.


I Am a Bisexual Married Man. And I Feel Guilty.

Dear Rainbowman,

I have been following your sexolve for quite some time and after reading your replies to the various questions, thought that you might be able to help me. I am a 42-year-old married bisexual guy. Before marriage, I have had sex with 3 guys. After marriage, it stopped, but resurfaced. I met 3 guys later, though it wasn’t sex, it was cuddling, hugging, caressing.

My question to you is: Even if I am not failing in any of my duties, responsibilities towards my wife, am I cheating her, though I don't given in to my instincts every now and then? It happens once in a while.

Please guide. I will be forever grateful.

Confused Man,

In use since 1970s, the rainbow flag is a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender pride. (Photo: Reuters)

Dear Confused Man,

Bisexuals are capable of complete monogamous relationships with their spouses of any gender. And there are bisexuals who live non-monogamous relationships as well. It depends on the person himself and what he prefers.

Speaking about the moral issues that you have raised. I can only tell you what I would have done if I was in your place.

I would have informed my woman wife about my encounters after educating her slowly about sexuality and gender.

Of course, it would be up to her to either to turn a blind eye or express her concern. However, it always helps to have a clearer view of things and to bring people to light rather than keeping them in darkness.

I know it is not the same thing, but how do you think your wife would react when if you instead had an affair with another woman instead of having affairs with men?

Also, it helps putting yourself in your wife’s position. How would you react if your wife had an affair with other women or other men? Will you be accepting? You can’t expect women to accept things that you don’t accept the same. But believe me, sometimes, we underestimate people’s understanding.

IMHO, I think it is good to give light a chance rather than keeping things in darkness. The risk is that light may burn relationships, but darkness keeps it invisible and without any base.

But sometimes, things have to burn to be liberated.


My Boyfriend’s Condom Got Stuck in My Bum!

Dear RainbowMan,

My boyfriend and I tried protected anal sex for the first time ever and it was a big disaster. His condom got stuck inside my anus and I have not flushed it out since the past 3 days. I am scared. Very scared.

Anu S,

It is always good to check if the condom is on. (Photo: iStock)

Dear Anu S,

Thank you for insisting on a condom. Even if the condom was stuck, it would have come out while you pass stools. I hope it does. If you are unsure, please visit a doctor.

And please slow down next time. It is always good to check if the condom is on. And do buy a high quality condom next time.


(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)