Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'I Want to Break Away from My Abuser Who is Also my Primary Caregiver'
I have been an ardent follower of yours. There are times when I have been stuck in life, and your advice takes the tension off my head. I also would like to credit you for getting me close to my truths. One of the biggest truths in my life is that I was sexually abused. I was abused by my own mother. She used to put her finger inside my vagina. I never thought of it as abuse, but when I started reading more and more, I realised that at the age of 12, I had no agency on my body. My mom is a single mom and has raised me well. She has provided for me when it was difficult to even meet ends. So, I feel kind of selfish that I call her my abuser. But she is? Isn't it? How do I break away from her when I live with her. How does one do this? I hope you will not give me a lecture on how mothers can never be wrong?
Girl In Pain
Dear Girl In Pain,
Thank you for reading my posts and for the kind words of encouragement.
Isn’t it true that we have just stories, stories of our truths that have been confined and inconspicuous deep in our memories, that first break us, and later liberate us when they come out.
Realisation of abuse could be traumatic in the beginning. Our memory plays games when we are children and masks all traumatic events sometimes. These events start appearing in our memory during triggers or just when our minds find the capacity to accommodate traumatic experiences and deal with them. You have reached that stage.
I would suggest that you get in touch with a good mental health professional who specialises in trauma counselling. With more memories coming to the fore, afresh, it would mean more traumas that you would have to deal with. I reckon assistance of a trauma counsellor would help greatly.
I think all human beings of all relationships and all genders can be protectors or abusers. I believe you, I trust you.
Once you get financially independent, you could move out and live independently. You will need to have a plan for that so that it doesn’t get difficult. Till then, please seek counselling and form a circle of trusted individuals with whom you could share things.
P.S. Things get better. They definitely do.
'I Want to Have a Threesome With my Girlfriend And her Girlfriend'
I am a 20 year old boy from Bombay. I have a girlfriend who I love too much. My girlfriend is dating another girl. I just got to know about that yesterday when I was suspicious about her and decided to check her phone when she was busy speaking to our common friend. At first, I was shocked, however, I am thinking it would be nice to actually take my girlfriend and her girlfriend out of the city and have the fantasy of a threesome fulfilled. How do I approach my girlfriend with this?
Dear Desperate Boy,
Not cool. Not cool. Hate to rebuke you, but I am sorry, why did you peep into your girlfriend’s phone? And why were you ‘suspicious’ and why would you break into your girlfriend’s phone when you are ‘suspicious’.
Firstly we don’t know if she is really bisexual and is dating another woman. That’s your assumption basis what you read. And what you read, might not be what it really is. Isn’t it? There’s only one person who knows whether they are bisexual or not - the person themselves.
So don’t bother your little mind too much. Get into a conversation with her. Have a hearty conversation with her and acknowledge your insecurities. Please also visit a counsellor who can help you deal with your insecurities.
We don’t know if your girlfriend is bisexual or not. As of now it is just an assumption.
Please note that the fact that someone is bisexual doesn’t automatically mean that the person will be interested in a threesome. I am not against such fantasies. I am against the thought of stereotyping all bisexuals.
P.S. keep your hand away from your girlfriend’s phone. Please.
'I Have A Curved Penis'
My penis is a little curved. Will this cause some problem in my sexual life?
Thank you for writing in. Penis come in all shapes and sizes, and also different curvatures and angles. However if you feel that your penis is too different I would suggest that you make a visit to the doctor and seek their advice.
P.S. Doctors would know better than me. Obviously.
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