Sexolve 166: ‘I Want to Dominate My Boyfriend in Bed’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

I Fantasise About My Girlfriend With Other Men

I am a 35 year old man from Chicago, I just returned to India a year ago. I need help to understand if I'm going wrong or is it normal.

Well I'm in a relationship with a this beautiful, intelligent, sensual girl and I respect and love her but there is a drawback in me that I'm very active sexually and I need something when the urge is on the peak and that's where the problem arises… when my love is not with me (as she is working out of town) I ask her to narrate a fake imaginary sexual encounter involving her so that I can vent myself on that story.

It's not like I want her to be involved with someone in real. I can't bear if she is talking to the opposite gender but when it comes to my urge I just want her to use her imagination to make me cum. And obviously she does it for me but not always.

Sometimes she refuses and tells me off. I understand that it must be difficult for her to think about it and narrate it to me every time. However, I always try convincing her by telling her that this is just imagination and not reality.

And when she doesn't do it, I get pissed and we have fights that turn sour. Please reply I really want some opinion, is it normal? Am I different? I feel angry at times, I feel ashamed at times…

P.S. don't mention my name please!

Hot Man

All of us have different libido levels.

Dear Hot Man,

Thank you so much for writing in. At the outset, we do not reveal the name of anyone here in the articles. In fact, I kind of change the details to ensure that we don’t reveal any identifiable personal particulars.

First, let me thank you for sharing this private part of your life with me.

Many of us have fantasies and some of these fantasises may seem unique and different from the rest. We sometimes also carry the burden of shame for having those fantasies. It is time we shed the shame and discuss them openly.

I am glad that you have opened up. Yes we all don’t feel sexually the same way. All of us have different libido levels. Some of us are happy without masturbating, some feel the urge to have sex and masturbate quite often. So if you ask me if you are different, I will just tell you that - we all are different. We all are unique.

However, we need to keep in mind that just as our fantasies are valid and authentic, our partners fantasies may not be the same as ours. To force them, emotionally to imagine things that don’t come so naturally to them I am afraid is not the right approach.

Looks like, you have a loving partner, she may agree at times, she may not agree at times, she has her own free will. Do not force her. Do not get angry with her.

Speak to her. Tell her that you are unable to control yourself. Don’t hesitate to seek her help and assistance on something that would benefit you.

I would suggest that you visit a counsellor and a sexologist. Explain openly how you feel. They may suggest options to control your libido and save your relationship from sinking.

I am not reprimanding you, but it is not right that you scream at your partner just because she doesn’t agree at times. Instead, show a little more love and a little more respect for her. If you feel hypersexual, please seek expert opinion.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Things get better.

I'm a Dominatrix. I Want to Dominate My Boyfriend in Bed

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29-year-old dominatrix. Id like to dominate my boyfriend. Id like to whip and slap him while he pleads with me.

The problem is that I still am just living this life as a dream. I don’t know how my boyfriend would react if I told him that I want to do these things to him. I have a secret dominatrix circle on Facebook. We all have pseudonyms and we share our tales and fantasies openly there. One of my Facebook friends in this group suggested that I tie my boyfriend up and do this. Another friend suggested that I make him fall asleep with some medicine and do this when he is asleep.

I don’t want to do those things because I want to see him scream in happiness and pleasure. What should I do? How should I get him to please me in this fantasy?

Love,

Domi Lava

Having sex with someone without their consent is RAPE, and to assume men cannot be assaulted is naive and wrong.

Dear Domi Lava

Power-play, dominant submissive role plays are all way more common than what one would imagine. I am neither judging you nor am I shocked by what you just shared.

I have a concern though – the rules of the dominant-submissive role-play game have to be mutually enjoyed by all the partners in the act. It doesn’t help if you feel something so strongly and your husband doesn’t.

Also, having sex with someone without their consent is RAPE. It doesn’t matter if it is done by a man to a woman or a man to a man or a woman to a man. The definition remains the same. The rules of the game remain the same. Consent is mandatory.

I don’t know who are these so called friends who are coming up with such ridiculous ideas… to assume that men have no modesty or men cannot be outraged is silly, stupid and incredibly insensitive.

You can slap your boyfriend and get him to plead to you – only and only if he consents to that kind of a role play.

If you value your boyfriend and you value the relationship, please put consent above everything else.

Regards,

RainbowMan

P.S. reminder - Seek consent.

Will I Become Pregnant If I Swallow Cum?

Dear RainbowMan,

I like to give blowjobs. I am unmarried now. I swallowed my boyfriends cum. I am scared I will get pregnant.

KAMLI

No, you will not get pregnant if you swallow sperm.

Dear KAMLI

Let me try putting it in a simple way for you. Your eggs are inside your vagina. Sperm that is in the cum or ejaculate will have to enter the vagina directly through the penis and unite with your egg. They cannot travel all the way from the mouth to the throat to the stomach and then reach your vagina.

So no, you will not get pregnant if you swallow sperm.

Love,

RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

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