Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Got Busted’
I am a 25-year-old gay man. I have been fortunate to have a very supportive family. I came out when I was 23, two years ago. Honestly, I was very sceptical about my parents’ acceptance. However, when I told my dad first, he very dramatically walked out of home and came back in the evening with a cake and surprise family get together. I had no clue from where mom got rainbow flags.
Things are a little different now. My family walked the recent pride with me. I was happy and all over the moon. I went to the after party with my sister, my mom and dad left early after a few minutes at the pride for solidarity. I wasn’t complaining. Post the after party, my sister went to her friend’s place and I found a date to take home. It was a random date, nothing serious. To be frank, I was drawn more to his biceps and chiselled body than his intellect. There was no love, only lust.
I have a room to myself, so we both ended up drunk and naked. This was the first time that I went home with a guy. I had keys, so I kind of sneaked him in, without informing anyone. Everything was alright, perfectly fine, we had quite a wild night. The only issue was that we lost track of time and didn’t realise it was not night anymore. We had our curtains drawn so had no clue, however, when my date was actually inside me, my mom accidentally walked inside the room. In a fit of fear, my date retracted immediately and covered himself with a cloth. Mom didn’t say a word and I locked the door and escorted my date out of home, in full view of my family – mom, dad, sister, cousin and grand dad.
It was already around 9 am. It was freaking awkward. That day no one spoke to me. However, as night approached mom called me and broke ice. She asked me if I need to take any medication, since she spotted that my date did not have a condom on. I was thoroughly embarrassed to answer that my date told me that he was not positive for HIV. I just held the phone.
The next moment she asked me if I wanted to bring my date home and get him introduced to family. I managed the call with “mmmms” but then the next moment, my dad called up and told me that he supports me and would like to get me married to my date. I don’t know how to react. He was just a f!@k date. There was nothing serious in his mind or mine. How do I explain? Also how do I tell my parents that I am safe and there is nothing to worry about AIDS? Is there some test that I can do quickly to ward my parents’ fear away. I hear that I need to wait for two months to do any test and confirm that I am not positive. I am not scared, but this is way too awkward for me.
I know this is a weird query, but I hope you would understand and respond.
Out and How
Dear Out and How
Thank you for writing to me. Firstly, congratulations on your coming out and for having such supportive parents, we don’t realise how lucky we are until we hear stories of people who are hounded, mistreated, raped and even killed for being different. Your parents seem to be super cool and I would say the same about your family.
India is a country where parents don’t want to assume that their children have sex and children do not want to assume that their parents have sex. There is a problem here. You are thinking about your awkwardness, I am sure your mother would be as awkward with the image of her son having sex. It is weird for her as much as it is for you. She is trying to make sense of things and trying to not be moralistic but accepting of the fact that you are an adult and you have a sexual life of your own.
Your mom’s concerns about HIV are valid. This guy was a random date, right? And you didn’t insist that he wears a condom? This is not about you not being scared, it is about you being more responsible.
I am not here to frighten you, but seriously, how are you so sure that the person you dated and mated with is not HIV positive? You need to have Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP) just within 72 hours after exposure to unprotected sex to ward off any possibility of HIV. I suggest you get in touch with The Humsafar Trust and speak to a health counsellor there. Their details are on www.humsafar.org . You have specialised tests like the PCR which can deduct infinitely small amounts of HIV in the blood even before the two months window period. The PCR test is a little costlier than other tests like western blot and ELISA. I would, however, leave it to a professional to advice you. Next time, please do ensure that you guys have a condom on. Play, but play safe.
As far as your mother and your entire family wanting to meet your sex date, well, we often suffer from what I call “the age old heteronormative matrimony complex”. Just because you and him had sex, maybe your family thinks that you want to be married to him.
The truth is that they are just being supportive. They don’t have many examples of homosexual love affairs and marriages, so they are trying to interpret your universe with their lens. Hold their hand. Tell them that you love them and thank them for being supportive.
I suggest you address the elephant in the room. Speak about your date. Tell your mom and dad that you got sexually excited and you had a sexual date but there was nothing emotional about it. Tell them that if you are in love with someone, you will not hide it from your parents.
Things get better, when things get clear.
PS: When in doubt, speak the truth.
‘How Do I Grow My Penis Size?’
My penis is not too long and I feel very scared that my girlfriend would not enjoy with me. I have been trying to pull it out and stretch it so that it becomes big. However, even when it grows it doesn’t grow too big. I have taken a peek during a piss at others penis sizes and have also spoken to friends about their sizes, they all seem to have a 8 or 10 inch penis. How do I grow mine? Any tips?
Thank you for writing in. Firstly, there is nothing wrong in being a Lilliput, penile length doesn’t determine the ability to provide pleasure. I have female friends who don’t find very long penises pleasurable rather they find it cumbersome. So, sexual pleasure is not a monolith and there is no one way of thinking on this one.
It is also a very normal thing for people bragging about being in the “big” boys club. As a gay man, who has not only heard of penises but has also seen many, I can very candidly say, it is just a big brag, the reality could be quite different.
Penile length cannot compensate for good sexual attitude - respect each other when you are in the act and love each other’s bodies when the act is over.
You could have a big tool but if you have zero respect for your partner’s feelings or wants on bed, you are a big zero. The opposite is also true. You could think you have a small penis, but you could be high on emotion and respect and consent and “technique” and you would score a cent percent on bed.
If you are not convinced and would still want to reconfirm if your size is adequate, kindly see a sexologist.
PS: Big Hearts > Big Dicks
‘My Boyfriend Beats Me Up’
My boyfriend beats me up whenever I speak to other men. What do I do? He is a nice man. Very loving otherwise. I am convinced he is not a bad guy. Really, what should I do to make it happier?
Thanks for writing in. I will answer your question, but I have a counter question that I want you to answer.
If someone who beats the one they love because they doubt their loyalty, is not a bad guy, then who is a bad guy? Define a bad guy for me.
I am not here to prove your love wrong. I love the fact that you believe in the goodness of your boyfriend even when he is not treating you well. Maybe he needs therapy. Maybe he needs to deal with his insecurities. Maybe he should see a counsellor.
However, it is not your responsibility to be his counsellor. You have no reason why you should curtail your freedom for him. If he doubts your love or loyalty, that’s his problem. He needs to find a way through it. He has no right to use force on you.
I am glad that you show empathy towards him, however, this relationship is as much about you as it is about him. You need independence, you need sanity and you need respect. Don’t make this about him.
Find support for yourself in a friend and a counsellor, move away from him and tell him that whenever he has the ability to believe in you totally, and he can demonstrate that, just as he demonstrates his jealousy and possessiveness he can win you back.
You are not his property. You are your property. Own yourself, no one else can own you better than yourself.
PS: Things get better when we stand up for ourselves.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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