Sexolve 100: ‘Men Never Stay, Is There Something Wrong With Me?’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT. Since this is the 100th Sexolve, here’s a little message by Harish himself.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Doubt My Wife is Cheating on Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 40-year-old man. My wife is two years older than me and we have been married for 10 years now. I have been having an issue with my wife for the past four months. She snores in the night and is uninterested in sex. She also yawns loudly. I wonder if this is because of the age or if she is uninterested in me. Last month I saw her exchanging notes with her colleague on WhatsApp who is older than her. They were almost romantic. When I asked her, she politely told me to mind my own business and not build imaginary stories in my head. Though she was pissed off that I doubted her character, she did speak properly to me the next day. I have a thousand questions in my head. Many doubts. I am wondering if she thinks I am a younger than her and she feels the need to spend her life with someone older than her. I am frustrated. Please help.

Mr ____

‘I have been having an issue with my wife for the past four months.’

Dear Mr _____,

Thanks for sharing your angst with me. There are times when we have questions like these even cloud the sanest of minds. It is important that we share them and address them to find answers, solutions not just to our doubts, but to the very fact that we have doubts about our loved ones.

I don’t know your partner, but I think it is natural to lose interest in sex sometimes. It is also natural to belch, yawn and fart in the house. If she does these in front of you and you do not appreciate it, request her to do it in the bathroom. There could be times though, she would want to be more carefree in her house without bothering about who is looking or laughing because that’s what we call home – a place where you can be yourself with your loved ones. You should give her that space after discussing with her. I am sure you guys can work out things by the simple proven technique of conversations.

Talk to her, don’t talk at her. Request, don’t demand. And discuss don’t issue sermons. Basically dont end up being a troll in her life or her parent.

Age is a matter of mind. You could be 42 and be 23 at heart. Or 16 and be 32 in terms if maturity and wisdom.

You should consult a mental health professional who can help you understand your challenges and help you cope.

Regards,
RainbowMan,

P.S. Yes, I ignored the question regarding her colleague. I suggest you ignore it too. It seems insignificant.

P.P.S. Yes, I agree with her sometimes. MYOB is a good advice. (Go Google that acronym) Don’t take it as an insult.

‘Men Don’t Stick With Me For Long, Is it My Fault?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been dating men since the age of 18. I am a 25-year-old woman now. I need some help from you. I need to know why men dont stick with me. Is it because they feel less satisfied by me? Is it because I am not good enough? Is it because I dont yet know how to pleasure them? I am wondering if I am a nice person and my body is good, why would anyone want to leave me? I had my 4th break up in 7 years. I dont think I can carry on anymore again. Can you tell me where is the G-spot of the man located? Will pleasuring the G-spot of men help them stay with me? I am so fed up. I am so devastated. I am so sorry for existing. I dont even know if you would answer this. I am fed up. Just felt nice pouring my heart.

Miss Sorry

‘I need to know why men don’t stick with me.’

Dear Sorry,

Surprise! Yes, I read your message, and why would I not answer something that has been written with a lot of trust.

Thank you for trusting me with your personal life. I am going to tell you something very simple – trust the person you meet in your mirror too. She is beautiful. She is kind. She is trustworthy. Show her love, and she will love you back. Come on. Trust yourself. Love yourself.

Men’s orgasmic spots are located all across the body. It is personal and individualistic. Don’t bother about that. I just want you to know that you should stop blaming yourself for the relationship faliures. It may well be your lovers fault. Or no one’s fault.

Open your arms. You are made to love. And you will love. And love will find you too. Don’t underestimate the power of love that lies within you. Remember, you are love. You are love. True Love.

I would suggest that you visit a counsellor at your soonest.

Do write back if you need any assistance in finding one in your city.

Regards,
RainbowMan

P.S. Never regret the ones you loved. And never stop thinking that you are the best and deserve nothing, but the best.

‘Can I Interchange My Sex Randomly?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am technically a man, but sometimes I wish that I was a woman. I think like a woman at times. I behave like one. But then there are times when I am very happy being myself – a man. Is there a way that I could be a man and be a woman after some years and then again be a man when I feel like coming to my own body. Are there any techniques for that? How do I find peace?

Many Ways

‘Is there a way that I could be a man and be a woman after some years and then again be a man?’

Dear Many Ways,

I am happy you are able to have such fully formed views. I know it may sound absurd to a few people when you say these things, but I can understand the situation you are in, even if I can’t exactly understand what you are feeling.

You cannot swing to and fro when it comes to sexual reassignment. Sexual reassignment is a life-altering decision.

You will have to go through counselling, and of the many things, the counsellor will make sure that you dress and live in your new gender role and are absolutely comfortable in it before giving their assent to the sexual reassignment surgery.

So, you need to be really sure before you make this decision and you will have to get a psychologist and a psychiatrist on board. I would suggest that you speak to our friends at the Humsafar Trust. The website is www.humsafar.org.

They will be in a better position to guide you on the transition process and other details.

Please make this decision after proper consultation.
Good luck.

Love,
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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