Sex and the City: Looking for true love

I want to settle with a lovely, lively, loving ‘real’ girl, but all I meet today are the materialistic radical feminists who are busy orchestrating their lives for Facebook and Instagram posts. I am fatigued living in and for the virtual world. Is there no ‘real’ authentic love with a ‘real’ person who wants a ‘real’ relationship out there ? How and where do I find it ? Am I asking for too much ?

- The click and swipe generation of today is still a generation with emotions. The ‘virtual world’ is nothing but an extension of our real one. There are opinions, voices, choices and uproars that define the interactions there as well. You have your emotions and dreams of a ‘ideal romance’ to attend to and the same rules apply for other people. It is true that in today’s connected and disconnected technology aided world, so much of our lives is lived in the carefully curated, pruned and filtered virtual online ecosystem filled with likes, shares and subscriptions on social media. It is also unfortunate that one’s follower count on a social media platform has unfortunately become a social indexation system of some kind – as if to measure one’s right to be heard, seen and loved. Your disappointment is understandable.

Yet, I’d implore you to avoid generalising ‘the way women are these days’ based on a singular radical feminist archetype (as mentioned by you). Those who speak the loudest are not the only ones who speak and those who invest much cleverness and care in being visible are not the only ones who deserve to be seen. Ask yourself if you tend to use the same means to meet people or if you have succeeded at shaking up your social circle every now and then. The company we keep and invite into our lives is often a marker of the type of people who affect us and connect with us. The type of ultra-feminist women you are complaining about do exist and yes, there are many of them clamouring for attention and pushing certain agendas and yet – how is this different from any other time in history where a society and it’s people have attempted to mould and debate the zeitgeist with vigour? Every generation is defined by the problems it faces and the opportunities it has access to.

Based on this logic, a woman who seems defiant to you may simply be the by-product of a time when women were paraded around, marginalised and objectified. This is no secret. Women have for generations been emotionally muzzled to toe the line and serve skewed patriarchal agendas. After prioritize everyone else’s agenda, many of them have finally found the courage to work towards their own personal agendas. You will have to learn to be more strategic and thoughtful in the manner in which you try and meet new women in order to possibly date them. This isn’t some kind of fantasy hunting ground where the ideal prey marches right into your crosshairs.

Dating is far more nuanced than that. Just as you’re trying to choose the ideal woman for yourself – women too have the right to decide if you’re the ‘real deal’ for them. It’s important to see this in a balanced manner rather than the expectation that your requirements will be met and your emotional needs will be served adequately. Think of all that you are willing to offer a relationship and start there. To find this lovely, lively and loving woman – you are going to have to expose yourself to endeavours, projects and spaces where such affable and buoyant people usually find themselves involved in.

The idea is for you to meet likeminded people who share your values and tastes and in order for that to happen you will have to take part of many types of initiatives that invite bright and curious individuals. Ever considered joining a workshop, a book club or showing up at poetry slam events? Maybe go for a board game event in the city? Ever considered going for a trek? Be prepared to extend yourself emotionally for even a budding friendship since the ‘give & take’ in all relationships is based on the ideas of mutual respect, affection and trust.

Maybe you could join a social-service initiative as well. The more you expand your search radius – the more you are likely to meet people with various personality types and exciting dreams for themselves. The real world isn’t about swipes and algorithms. It’s about honest chats and awkward jokes. The real world has real people in it and real people have real problems that they deal with.

These are problems that you may not be responsible for but that you may not be in a position to help either. Human beings are always searching for ways to add meaning to their lives and these efforts can take them anywhere. You are not asking for too much, but it’s your responsibility to find what you are looking for.

Also Read: Sex and the City: Desires don’t die