Sex and the City: The dual wife

My wife has been fearful of penetrative intercourse and stiffens up whenever I have tried to have sex. Yet she blames me for not having sex and is trying to get her family and friends to believe that I am impotent. No one believes me when I say that she stiffens up and everyone advises me to go ahead anyways. I am not a rapist and would never go ahead without her relaxed and willing participation. I am deeply troubled with her denial of her role in the lack of sexual intimacy, and her public humiliation of me. She refuses to accompany me for sexual counselling and says that only I should go and get myself fixed. What should I do?

Maybe you truly should go for a counselling session first if your wife refuses to come with you. Don’t take this personally. A tarnished reputation and the resentments that build as a result of such a situation - are still very much your problem to fix since you’re the one affected by it.

Even though her involvement in the sex counselling process would have been ideal – it’s not a pre-requisite for some headway to be made.

It’s important that you try to investigate this fully before any progress is made. Why is your wife so hesitant to the act of sex with you? You may have to narrow down the reasons why she is being stiff with you based on what you currently know.

Maybe ask her this question directly so you know what’s troubling her. I know this is going to be hard since she’s gone to great lengths to spread lies about you. Perhaps there’s a trauma or myth that is disturbing her which is preventing her to get intimate with you.

Maybe she doesn’t like how you touch her. Could it also be that she’s trying to teach you a lesson for something else that upset her? Maybe she has a problem with men in general (based on her past) and this is her way at striking back.

What if she is simply stressed out due to certain other personal and professional reasons? There could be so many reasons why she is freezing in bed. You need to find out why. It’s difficult to sometimes corner someone and ask them ‘what’s wrong’ if they’ve spent many years of their life dodging uncomfortable people, awkward topics and unsettling situations.

While her lying to people about your impotence is in bad taste and also immature, you need to remind yourself that this is your problem that requires swift handling.

Speak to your wife and do it soon. There is no place for lies and manipulation in happy relationships. Perhaps it’s a good time to apprise her about how you are uncomfortable with her involving so many other people in private matters that should stay between a husband and a wife.

People like a good show and enjoy such spectacles. Such people may rarely contribute to finding a solution and simply enjoy the ‘hot gossip’.

If you feel the need to explain the finer details of your sex life with your wife to these ‘people’ or anyone else – you are also giving away your right of privacy. It is also decidedly undignified to constantly have to divulge personal information to an audience. Everyone is going to have a different perspective on your life and your decisions but you need to clear about what you are prepared to do to get out of this situation. Do you even want to have sex with your wife given the lies she has spread about you thus leading to public humiliation? Are you comfortable with the rumours gaining momentum?

Know that an individual may go to great lengths to tarnish someone else’s reputation in order to re-direct the glances of a scrutinising group of people. Scrutiny and appraisals can be excruciating.

If one can’t escape the scrutiny, one can easily pass the buck to make any ensuing awkwardness seem like someone else’s problem to deal with. While this can feel unfair and biased, do not forget that the world we live in has always been somewhat unfair and biased.

It is your job to learn to guard yourself from any incoming onslaughts by prudently taking this conversation forward with her and asking yourself if you are prepared to forgive your wife for what may very well be permanent damage to your reputation.

A counsellor will help you prepare your mind and your agenda for what may very well be a decisive and incisive conversation.

A person’s perspectives get informed as a result of Counselling. This helps a person adopt an informed problem solving strategy. Such strategies can be accessed and deployed by an individual seeking closure, resolution and a way forward through a sticky situation. There are always two sides to a story. You know your side. It’s time you tried to understand and empathise with her side of the story.