Revolver Ranee: Tales from Chandamama

Poor thing is tilted and lying on the moon. So what, that’s fine, experiments are about trying. Sometimes, you succeed, sometimes you don’t. Regardless, you do learn. But you know what, we were not so lucky, like scientist Sivan. Those eyes my Baba would widen so that I would pee in my pants. “How could you fail? Why did you not solve this problem? Why don’t you focus?” were the gentle curtain-raisers, followed by the strictest of punishments. Thank god, nowadays, shouting and beating is heavily frowned on. But the jadoo ki jhappi backed by the two heavy peeth pe thappad definitely came close to the sound ones I would get from my parents.

I quite enjoyed tales from the Chandamama, didn’t you all? Now what to tell these old fogeys of ours. It was actually a Nehruvian moment, na...We tried, now, let us try again. Me thinks deliberate diversion of attention is happening, we should try and focus attention of our biggies to the craters on our roads. No official car of our CM, commissioner or such ever hit any pothole. Quite a tragedy.

Though it seems like you all got it wrong, sheh. That one self-proclaimed, guruji-cum-mango specialist-cum-fertility expert-cum-atomic physicist-cum-self-proclaimed adviser to NASA, the same old walrus-mucchad Manohar Bhide has come up with a classic solution. Follow the panchaang, the Hindu almanac. What are you all doing? Sivan went to a mutt to do puja, then ISRO held pujas, but all missed the basic, Bhide claims. He said the US followed it to a T and their final mission, the 38th, was successful, because they chose ekadashi to launch. Shappat, he said this.

For me, ekadashi means duppat khashi (eat double) but this Bhide has come up with some nonplussers, like his ‘fertile’ mangoes, which would help couples produce sons. Mind you, these are his claims. I would say, please to note, our very own diyar NaMo and Fadnavis are ardent followers of their ‘guruji’.

Now, you know why science will NOT help us. Then I heard the cute story of the moon and Ganesha being at loggerheads, coz Chandra had laughed at our elephant god for tripping and spilling his secret stash of goodies, bringing out the cross side of the usually good-natured god. He then cursed the moon, saying it would not shine always. Only for a few days would it rise above the world and glow. Now, the devout mutt-going Hindoo scientists know these stories, but still planned moon landing during Ganesh Chaturthi, whisper some Girgaonkars.

Speaking of Bhides, another one claims Aarey is not a forest at all. That the leopards, deer and other wildlife have only lately been ambling in. If the Metro 6 depot can be put up at Kanjurmarg, why, why can’t

MMRCL build a carshed there? We will not know, I guess. I think we should all just invest on ghodas and ghoda-gaadis, what with the auto industry slowdown and all, not that I am complaining. Those big-big backsidewali gaadis are scary, the hippo cars actually occupy a lot of space and unleash chaos and pollution in their wake. So, let us invest in animals, but beware of those pet-a-protection organisations, that have spread their claws, we should ask big, big-chested ones to pass law allowing us to ride in these carriages. Quite green carbon footprint will be, say what?