Pamela Anderson Turns 50! Let’s Look Back at the Most Ridiculous Lines From Her 2004 Novel

Pamela Anderson turns 50 on July 1. On such a milestone, you could look back on her myriad pop culture gems: her on-again-off-again relationship with Tommy Lee, her work with PETA, her political-romantic musings on “friend” Julian Assange, etc.

And while most of the world sees her as a model and actress, don’t forget that Anderson is, surprisingly, also a novelist. In 2004, she wrote Star: A Novel. And despite the title, it’s basically a thinly veiled biography of Anderson’s early years: moving to Los Angeles, hooking up with rock stars, going to the Playboy mansion (the book calls it “the Castle”), plastic surgery, and more. All that but with a main character named Esther “Star” Wood Leigh.

Anderson brought on a ghostwriter to handle, you know, the whole writing part, and at the time she explained that choice by saying, “There are things I don’t really know about, like a beginning, a middle, and an end.”

But one thing she definitely knows about, and which is made abundantly clear numerous times in the book, is: sex. The sex scenes are so wildly graphic and over-the-top that you can’t help but read them through your fingers, as if you’re watching a horror movie. So, yeah, we’re not going to print them here.

Thankfully, there are many more outrageous and cringeworthy moments in the book. Here are the top five.

5. “Advice” from Mom

Before Star travels to L.A. to live out her Hollywood dreams, Star’s mom, Lucille, gives her some unique advice.

“Life is like sex. It’s not always good, but it’s always worth trying.”

4. A (literally) hungry photographer

Remember the scene in Austin Powers where he essentially spoofs high-fashion photo shoots? Somehow this part in Star: A Novel seems like a spoof of that spoof.

“… Billy continued to shout out absurd and stagy photographer’s suggestions. “Bleed for me, baby,” Billy cackled. “Make love to me. Make me a sandwich.”

3. High standards?

Make no mistake, Star knows where to draw the line in terms of modesty.

“I did a wet T-shirt contest once at the Coppertone beach promotion. But mud wrestling just seems to be, I don’t know, a little too low-rent.”

2. Airport confusion

To be fair, I can imagine this situation actually happening to someone totally unfamiliar with airport names. Whether or not it actually happened to Pam Anderson is another story (and that story is Star: A Novel).

“I’m looking for lax.” Star pointed at her baggage-claim tickets.

“This is it, honey,” the agent said with an expansive gesture to include the airport around them.

“It’s called lax?” Star asked, trying not to laugh in her face.

“No, it’s actually Los Angeles International Airport,” the gate agent explained. “L-A-X for short.”

1. Political incorrectness

What happens when Star attends her very first gay pride parade? Oh, just some ridiculous stereotyping (and mild Florida bashing).

“Look at those pink hot pants,” Star said, glued to the glass. “And handcuffs as an accessory? Gay people are so colorful. I had no idea. We must not have very many back in Florida.”

In other Pam Anderson news, what’s up with her and Julian Assange?

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