In India, journalists are as revered as politicians, for most times the masses are left differentiating fact from fiction.
Shifting passions aside, it has been a long-fought war of moralities between a certain journalist demanding drugs and another being ripped apart in broad daylight. Thus, this is a guide for future journalists so that they do not get stuck in the latter scenario.
Correct The Pronunciation Of A Native Speaker Of A Vernacular
It has been a wonder as to how native speakers of a certain vernacular choose to pronounce certain words in their own tongue. And, it begs me to ask the question, why should you respect your local heritage?
You have the major populace speaking Hindi, thus, it is only fair that a native speaker speaks the majority tongue and pronounces Tagore as Tagore and not Thakur!
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Remember That The Central Government Is The Best Ever (Only If They Are Clad In Saffron)
You should never in the most distant of dreams seek to question the government because they are the best ever. If you think otherwise, then you are wrong (I also have your address so expect a visit).
And, yes, we care about what a certain party’s member has for lunch at a political rally.
Everyone Is An Anti-National (Unless You Love The Majority Party)
It goes without saying that anyone who goes against the government’s policies is an anti-national urban Naxal, and if you think otherwise, then you are probably already in jail.
Even if you believe that a certain Act or law passed by the legislature goes against the masses, then you are in the wrong. As the saying goes, “Modi Ji ne kiya hai, kuch soch samajh ke kiya hoga.” (Modiji must have thought of something if he has done this.)
Media Trial Is The Way Forward And It Is Only Effective When There Is Death
The best and easiest way to not find yourself behind bars is to sensationalize someone’s death and shroud it with tense mystery when there is none. No, it is not insulting in the least, the deceased would probably be pleased with their life being turned into a motion picture in real-time.
Probably. I mean Sushant would be really pleased with his personal life being turned upside down and being labelled as a ‘drug lord’ alongside his beau, Rhea Chakraborty.
India Belongs To Certain Communities; The Other Communities Are Mere Guests
The ultimate pointer in this guide is to remember that India belongs to the majority community, and the diversity exists only for history books. It is only fair to remember the fact that there also exists a certain community that is bent on destroying India’s sovereignty by praying (yes, it is sort of confusing).
The 80% populace of Hindus is fundamentally under attack from the 20% of the certain other community, and to be fair, most other minority groups. (I don’t understand this either but it does to someone out there).
Covering The Northeastern Parts Of India
I thought that was Nepal? Either way, they are pretty cool people. No need to cover them on live television.
So, these are the points you need to remember if you wish to become a part of the crème de la crème of Indian journalism, and no one will tell you otherwise. IF they do, then report to your nearest police station.
It, however, must be noted that this piece is satirical and should not be taken seriously. Contrary to popular belief and trend, I do value my life as I do journalism. And I don’t exactly like the idea of jail.
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