TL;DR: You’ve gotta read all of this. No shortcuts!
A kulhad of piping hot chai would stand on a mossy parapet while wispy trails of steam would snake their way into our noses.
Mindy Kaling would probably come to terms with my selectively delightful punchlines by her third kulhad. Of course, the insufferable Delhi heat would add to her woes. But that’s okay.
It would HAVE to be a balmy day, or I might never get a chance to talk about the weather with, arguably, the only person who can make even the weather sound interesting.
Think about it. She managed to revive the art of small talk on stage, at an Ivy League college, while Donald Trump was probably busy grappling with precision of phrasing (read typos) on Twitter.
She got up on stage at Dartmouth College’s commencement speech and spoke about pancakes, dessert before dinner, the need to buy toilet plungers, and the weather, among other things.
“I remember the days when it was so cold your sneeze would become an ice sculpture before it hit the ground,” she remarked.
Mindy Kaling made life sound less cumbersome at one of the most cumbersome events ever — one that stealthily marks the ominous date you step out into the ‘real’ world.
Chill, Kaling would say, have some fun with it.
Anyway, let’s get back to the logistics.
I wouldn’t have a speech ready, but I would tell her, quite frankly, that she is my favourite but that is not saying much because my allegiances are quite fluid.
Today it is her, tomorrow it is Ryan Reynolds, if she can help me get his number, maybe? She would appreciate the candour, I can tell.
But I wouldn’t, at any cost, forget to tell her about the ferocious, raw, feminine consciousness she stands for. She isn’t blonde, she isn’t a size zero, she isn’t white... but she has proved, time and again, that there is no better time, than now, to be a woman.
I would offer her some pakodas to compensate for my fangirl banter and tell her that she is my go-to GIF.
To be a GIF in a world that is constantly trying to turn you into a meme is the greatest accomplishment, right? What more can a respectable person ask for?
I would also slip in quite casually, that she does, indeed, “have the appetite of an Olympic swimmer and the physique of an Olympic figure skater”. Exactly the way she wishes to be described.
Then I would softly remind her how I really wouldn’t mind Ryan Reynold’s number. I am pretty sure she would appreciate the artifice, in hindsight. Maybe a week later. Or two.
At this point, she would naturally tell me that she likes me a lot. But I would shrug my shoulders, pretend to dust something off my dress, and then proceed to talk about the boy I am seeing. Who would NOT want dating advice from Mindy Kaling?
She mentioned recently that men should date like the entire world is watching, and treat women accordingly. Fair enough. But what happens when, back in India, all the aunties and uncles are watching too, especially when NOT required, I would ask Kaling. I know, in my heart, that she would have a few tricks up her sleeve.
By now, the chai would be over. So would the pakodas. So, I’d have to wrap up. No one wants to invest in a conversation without food in front, right? But I would definitely think that it went well and feel quite satisfied.
Lastly, I wonder if a sombre face and lofty enunciation will help add gravitas to my otherwise tweet-worthy opinions.
Hey Mindy Kaling, time to revert! Time for me to ask, “why not me?”
Bottom Line: Mindy Kaling is a bear-hug on a depressing day.
(The above is a part of TLDR (Too Long. Didn't Read), a weekly blog that aims to crunch things down for you. I will give you the long and short of most things that need to be taken extremely seriously like your bookshelf, beer, existential dread, aimless conversations, rainy days and bubble-wrap. I promise to cater to all readers, but I brazenly harbour a soft-spot for skimmers, bathroom-readers and infinite scrollers. Now, let's bring the written word back!
P.S: Follow me @medhac1)
. Read more on NEON by The Quint.Chai and Pakodas with Mindy Kaling All-Party Meet Over Guv Rule Begins at NN Vohra’s Residence in J&K . Read more on NEON by The Quint.