If you were to put biceps on a middle-school history book, what you’d get is Salman Khan in Bharat. But don’t bother getting too creative with the imaginary book cover—Khan displays fewer expressions on his face than a blank A4 page.
Which brings us to Salman Khan’s claim that people ditch their own weddings to act in films like Bharat while Priyanka Chopra committed the heinous crime of getting married instead. Seriously, right? What woman gives up the chance to sing and dance around a man impersonating a block of wood to sing and dance with a man she actually wants to marry?
So, in the interests of adhering to the logic of Bhaizone, let’s examine how big Chopra’s loss is. In Bharat, Salman Khan plays Bharat, who fled to Delhi as a child during Partition. While fleeing Lahore, he left behind his young sister and father, played by Jackie Shroff.
After this, the film feels like being stuck on a date with a guy whose Tinder bio reads: JFK —> DL—>MUM—>LA—>HK—>two dozen airport initials that plebs have to Google. Basically, while you labour through your popcorn and patience, Bharat travels from Dubai to Somalia, saving people from gas leaks and pirates, in between making several white women dance to bhangra. And while he is at that, the film offers you Cliff Notes versions of major historical events like Partition, India winning the 1983 World Cup and the liberalisation of the economy.
Halfway through the film, you’re left wondering why you’re being subjected to a Bhai edition of the History channel—rest assured you won’t have an answer even by the time the film ends. It’s like the script had a single-line brief: Bhai ka biceps buddha nahin honi chahiye.
So stuff keeps happening, the world changes, but Khan keeps appearing in clothes that lovingly cling to his muscles. He occasionally beats people up as well. In the midst of all...