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    Deal with anger better

    By Dr Vivek Benegal | Prevention – Fri 28 Jan, 2011

    Daily newspaper headlines of road rage, violence in intimate situations, murder and mayhem are a reflection of how frequent out-of-control anger has become. Hence this column. Like happiness and sadness, anger is a basic emotion,one that tends to swamp us when we feel we have been wronged. Sometimes, it can get the better of us making us do things we regret later.

    A group of Australian researchers found that anger is rooted in the distress associated with a mismatch between expectation and real-time experience in the brain. For instance, if you're expecting one outcome (driving home, not really paying excess attention because you've done it so many times before) and experience a markedly different result (someone cutting you off from the right).

    When there's a mismatch between what you expect should happen and what actually happens, it leads to cognitive dissonance that might be experienced as anger. Subjects, having magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) brain scans on being rudely reprimanded for not cooperating (as part of the experiment) showed increased activity in the anterior cingulate cortex.

    This structure in the frontal part of the brain seems to be a conflict detector, deeply involved when we weigh an unfair or unjust situation, especially in a social context. Additionally, increased activity in regions associated with memory, such as the hippocampus, suggested that faced with such a mismatch, they also search their memory banks for similar instances of insult.

    This is something we are all aware of. We often tend to chew over an anger-making red situation, and that makes one more prone to angry outbursts, possibly even violence, later on.

    There are some commonsense tips to help get your anger under control.

    1 Take a time out. Count up to 10 before reacting. Although it sounds very basic, it really helps defuse your temper. Try some variations of counting up to 10. For instance, take a deep breath between each number. If you are getting into a heated argument ask for time out. "Excuse me, I am getting very upset and things may get worse if I continue. May I calm myself and come back after five minutes to continue our discussion?" is a line you could try.

    2 Reframe the mismatch. Ask yourself: "Will the object of my anger matter one year from now?" Chances are, you will see things from a calmer perspective.
    Or, ask yourself: "What is the worst that can happen?" If someone happened to cut in in front of you at the super-market check-out, waiting for an additional three minutes will perhaps not change your life dramatically. Alternately, imagine yourself doing the same thing. Come on, admit that you too have cut in front of another driver, by accident. Do you get angry at yourself? Perhaps not! Apply the same logic to keep your calm.

    3 Express your anger after you're calm. It's healthy to express it in a non-confrontational manner. Keeping your frustration bottled will only make the situation worse.

    4 Use 'I' to describe the problem. "I'm upset you didn't do XYZ," instead of, "You should have done XYZ," helps to avoid being perceived as criticising which is guaranteed to increase tension.

    5 Use humour to release tensions. Don't use sarcasm, it makes things worse.

    6 Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focussing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.

    7 Practise relaxation skills. Skills to relax and de-stress can also help control temper, whether it is visualising a relaxing scene, listening to music, or doing yoga.

    Reproduced From Prevention. © 2011. LMIL. All rights reserved.

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    28 comments

    • Gini
      Gini  •  1 year 4 months ago
      I will be obliged if somebody also tells me the technique to remember above techniques when needed :)
    • kola r
      kola r  •  1 year 4 months ago
      if one is so wise to think and practice all these tips when one is in anger, that person does not need to read all this stuff. That person has kept anger under control. Usually when a person is in anger, nothing is more important to him, than subdue his opponent. But it is true these tips can be practiced step by step.
      • shyamali
        shyamali 1 year 4 months ago
        When one feels anger surging in, he/she can observe the breath or feel his/her heartbeat, it will give him/her enough time space to respond rather than react to the provocation to anger. Try learning Sudarshan Kriya as taught under Art of Living Foundation. It really helps.
    • Dave
      Dave  •  1 year 4 months ago
      It's nice to read these prevention techq's. But how many people tend to count? By the time w count d other person would have us chewed up !! Imagine if the pressure relief valve gets blocked and the pressure cooker is still on d stove??? what will happen ?Express anger, but not violently, else it would create more mental issues.
    • Raghu D
      Raghu D  •  1 year 4 months ago
      though this article tells abt steps to control anger,
      can it be followed in a real situation, bcoz when we are angry we dont think to calm down
    • Sarmista
      Sarmista  •  1 year 3 months ago
      Yeah smymz anger is da gr8 cause of our failure!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • babukris
      babukris  •  1 year 4 months ago
      A pure lack of patience especially in the metros,mad rush to work and back...is taking a toll on everybody...be it Hubby/Wife,Kids ,watchman or any passerby coming in a conflicting way...

      This converts itself into Anger which brings out unwanted consequences...

      This article is definitely helpful,although the methods really isn't possible when u r in a fit of rage momentarily.
    • dr
      dr  •  1 year 4 months ago
      THis article is like theory but what abt practicle? Always practicle is difficult than theory.To control anger one has to be very much consious every moment and patient than only these tips are useful after mannnnnnnnnnny years. Any one who is consious abt controling anger can develop own techniques of controlling it. No need of folowing these tips. Should not waste time in following these tips. Develop own ways to control anger
    • kalyand
      kalyand  •  1 year 4 months ago
      nice
    • Cathy
      Cathy  •  1 year 4 months ago
      These all makes sense.
    • Sekar
      Sekar  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Very useful and helpful. It will contribute to personal growth, social growth and family integration! Anger is stimulated very often by the partner and children than others! It is because all of us loose temper. We thing we are right and others are wrong. We want things to happen as we wish.
    • Kiran
      Kiran  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Informative and helpful Article. Thanks for publishing it here!!
    • Kiran
      Kiran  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Informative and helpful Article. Thank you for Posting it here!!
    • Ask
      Ask  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Oh my god! one more rubbish about anger control? i cant belive this western crap is again & again coppied by this eastern writers too? count 1 to 10, come on any of you have you tried it? is it possible? if you are that sane then you are not really angry! grow up! express yourself after you cross anger!
      Enough of this! Meditation or humour or yoga! some chances! but this counting! stop faking & coping these western things!
      I think I need a anger control method! let me try counting1.2.3.4.5.enough
    • Daniel
      Daniel  •  1 year 4 months ago
      makes alot of sense... esp the ones related to driving... Good going! Thanks
    • Emal
      Emal  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Great article.... "Reflection can not be seen in boiling water, the same way truth can not be seen in state of anger"
    • Realist!
      Realist!  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Nice article giving good tips to deal with anger! As said, that mismatch between expectation and real time happenings leads to anger.

      Put in other words, unfulfilled desire leads to anger. One's desire may be of any form. Like, expecting others to do what I wish or how I wish.Wanting to acquire something beyond one's reach or capability.( Sometimes misinterpreting that as ambition). Wanting to possess more than the friends, relatives or neighbours. One may be able to get many more examples like this.

      When these desires do not get unfulfilled, it leads to anger. ( Maybe shown on others in the form of jealousy, anger, argument,hatred etc. or on self in the form of frustration, self pitying or a feeling of being victimized etc.).

      Even expecting one's child to get more marks or to perform better than neighbour's child may be termed as a desire and when it doesn't happen is likely to result in one form of anger.

      So, we may say/ see the desire is the root cause of anger!( When unfulfilled, of course ). One needs to understand that a very small portion of an activity is in one's hand and a major portion is controlled by external factors.

      Even our desire/ intention to reach the destination in time depends on external factors like traffic jam. road conditions, weather, possibility of traffic being stopped en route due to the ministers' travelling in that route on his untimely/unexpected visit to parliament/ assembly etc.

      Introspection,realizing that others too may have expectations, desire/ ambition to achieve, higher capability, our willingness to expect sometimes unexpected things to happen in our/ others' lives may help manage our anger!

      Others might have many more such examples.

      Many a times, we get what we deserve & not we desire!

      Man proposes, but/and God disposes!( For those who believe)

      Probably, that is what we are taught by Bhagwat Geetha, " KARMA YOGA"!

      Desire and its effect when not fulfilled may lead to one's destruction in some form or the other!

      Sometimes, anger leads to hatred! But" THE HATER SUFFERS MORE THAN THE HATED".

      The article by Vivek Benegal is an eye opener!
    • Muffazal
      Muffazal  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Good article and it can surely help in controlling one's anger. Always remember.......ANGER IS THE WIND WHICH BLOWS OUT THE LAMPS OF OUR MIND.
    • Rajesh Acharya
      Rajesh Acharya  •  1 year 4 months ago
      Effective therapy! I remember having heard somewhere long back that "KRODH MOORKHATA SE SHURU HOTI HAI AUR PASCHATAP PAR SHANT" - "ANGER STARTS AT FOOLISHNESS AND ENDS WITH REGRETS"
    • Cool
      Cool  •  1 year 4 months ago
      good article but impossible to follow
    • Arunav
      Arunav  •  1 year 4 months ago
      It is really a very interesting article posted by Dr. Vivek. I hope by reading this article many short tempered people would change their mannerism and would learn how to deal with people around without expressing their temper. People would fear or show distress to go near to the one who do not have control on their anger.

      Anger leads to loss of energy and leads to high blood pressure.. So better not to be angry and handle the situations tactfully.
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