Spanking the Monkey: language of the hand

Fri, Jul 25 12:50 AM

In my newly acquired role as a sexologist, my inbox is rapidly filling with sex queries. From the messages I've received, it would seem that India's No.

1 sex issue relates to the area of masturbation. I've noticed that the words we choose to discuss S.E.X. reveal a lot about the society we belong to.

In India, through the medium of English at least, the vocabulary seems rather technical. Take 'hand practice' for example.

To my foreign ears, hand practice sounds like a CBSE Class XII exam. You've passed out with honours in hand practice? Congratulations! The alternative tool of choice for the Indian English speaker, the medical textbook, appears to be an organ of all knowledge.

For something that is so universal, yet so rarely discussed (unless you are in a gang of teenage boys), there is a tendency to communicate in euphemisms. In the US, 'spanking the monkey' comes across as a cheeky, irreverent way to describe the self-love sex act.

Here in Delhi, however, the expression is perhaps too non-veg for some. In the UK, 'bashing the bishop' is a widely known term to describe the same thing.

What are the origins of such a quaint term? What is the etymology of such a saying? Maybe I should ask the Pope himself why it's called bashing the bishop, as I can't see any correlation whatsoever between such religious figures and sex. Although the British and Americans allegedly speak the same language, there are important differences in their sexual terminology.

While the former will choose to 'jack off', the latter would prefer to 'jerk off'. And beware, whilst 'shag' in India refers to sex with yourself, in other English-speaking areas of the world, more than one person is required if you are planning to shag.

In Hindi, I imagine that there are no shortage of words to describe the do-it-yourself variety. We've come to the end of today's sex lesson.

This week's homework is to remember that when you get off in London it's jack, but when you get off in New York it's jerk. And learn by hand those two new phrases.

er, wait, that's not right. Snip.

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